Sin and Restoration

Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: for all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:22‑23

I know scripture, I know Gods character, my comprehension level is what I would consider above average when it comes to understanding His Word. I can read a passage, explain a passage and use a passage to reach another believer. I am a Christian, a Christ Follower. I love God. I believe in God. I teach God to my children. 

So why then, do I continue to have such a struggle with receiving the Love that God is so freely offering to me? Why then do I continue to seek this love in all places but in the One place where I know I will receive it? 

Why do I continue to replace this love with other things, other people? Why do I push this love away when it is the one thing I so desperately want! 

I know the Word of God! I know what God expects from me! I know that there is a cost, a constant self sacrificial cost to discipleship! And yet I live as if I know nothing. I live as if I believe nothing. I live as if I have nothing! Even an atheist has made a choice! I, on the other hand chose to not chose. I chose safe. I chose compromise. I chose lukewarm. I chose maybe, sometimes or not today. I chose no.

So many of us believers feel so broken and chained down because we know the truth and we fall short everyday. Some more than others. Some in different ways than others. Some of us, if we are true believers, are chained to our sin because we freely chose to stayed chained to our sin. Its a decision that we make to continue living in a sin that does not even give us a temporary pleasure because we feel the uncomfortable, sickness in our Spirit ever time we do it. But we do it. We do it over and over and over. Until one day, we realize we have been robbed. We realize we are stripped naked and exposed. Our life is gone. We are backed into a corner. We cant turn left or right. We cant go back. We cant even go forward. We are just there. Stuck and broken, helpless, tired, ashamed and alone.

The pleasure and happiness we so willingly sought was never enough to fill us up. We try to overtake our idols and squeeze them in next to our God. We try to explain away our sinfulness by cheapening Gods grace and allowing the sin to continue. After all, we are all sinners, we all fall short. God understands right? But then what happens next? What happens when we see that God does understand but He does not accept. What happens when we realize that God is not going to share the throne with anyone or anything? God will freely step aside and allow our idols to be our god. He will allow us to dance with the devil. To dine with the enemy. But He will not let it devour us. He will not let it fulfill us. He will not let it overtake us. Because it will never feel better than the fullness and oneness of only Him. It might put a band aid on our broken hearts for a time but it can never regenerate us and give us a new heart, a clean heart, a heart with a passion and fire for the Truth. A heart that is healed. A heart that is pure. A heart that receives goodness and mercy because it understand goodness and mercy. Because it too is goodness and mercy.

Our sins often overshadow what His greatness can do in our lives but only for a moment. Because we stop ourselves and say "Lord I cant follow your ways! I'm a sinner and I don't know how to stop!" We cry out to Jesus "Save me". Maybe we cry out to him several times before we actually make the choice to allow him to save us. But the bottom line is we cry out to Jesus. We acknowledge that we need Him. We call on Him in despair and loneliness and usually , like the prodigal's son, when we realize it was far better in our Fathers house than anywhere else we have ever tried to be. So we turn to him and we surrender. We must surrender. It is the only way to repentance. The true repentance that leads us back on the right path. The path that says we cannot do anything alone, it is only through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ that we are even back on the path again. It is this acknowledgment and understanding that will lead us to righteousness and true everlasting Joy. 

Dont ask yourself why do I continue to sin, remind yourself that you are no longer a sinner. Believe what has been given to you, whats been bought for you. Believe in a full liberating life that Christ gave to you by the shedding of His blood on the Cross! Believe it and receive it! Jesus said, "Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."!

Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ-Phil 1:6

Being told that I now have a "broken home", I realized that these past 7 months, I have never once looked at my home as "broken". What is the definition of a broken home? A family in which the parents have separated or divorced.
  So then, lets take a family which consists of a mother, a father and two children, the oldest, a boy and the youngest, a girl.  The father works from home, an entrepreneur of sorts. The mother is  beautiful, smart, career minded and has a successful high paying job. The kids spend most of their weekdays in after school care and weekends are spent with the nanny. Neither parent in this family has time for God or "religion" and the children have grown up not really believing in anything.  They have a gorgeous home in an very prestigious area, drive his and her X5's and are seen by those in their inner circle as the "perfect family". The parents don't really spend quality time together and their social events consist of comparing stock portfolios. The mother is bitter and the father feels inadequate. The children learn nothing about sacrificial love only see self seeking examples on how to be competitive and money driven. This family does not fight, there is no screaming or yelling. In fact, this family rarely has any communication. The parents of this home see nothing wrong with the functionality of their family. So much so that they raise their kids to adulthood in this manner. Eventually this cycle will be repeated by the children.
This family according to this definition of a "broken home", would be considered "Complete" or " Whole". This family has a mother and a father who have not separated or divorced. They are "unbroken". They are "intact".

I want to compare this with another family in which their is a father, mother and step children? A family in which the mother and father both found a better way of life in Jesus Christ and led their kids to this faith as well. A family whos life revolves around Christ. Their home is Christ centered. The father works and the mother stays home to care for her home, and her children. The weekends consist of family events and church functions. The family eats dinners together and spends most evenings in heavy communication. They do family bible studies and love learning about God together. The parents are involved in church ministry and the children follow in their footsteps with childrens ministry. The spiritual life of these parents begins to get stronger, their church ministry grows into home ministry. Quickly the demands the father put on himself become overwhelming. He begins to fear his capabilities and motives and enters into doubt about his faith. The mother and children all stand by him insisting that if he would just hold on to God, his faith will be restored. But the father resists and falls apart. His fear takes over his faith and he runs. He tells his wife he can no longer carry her or the family and he needs to leave her. He begins to believe the lies that His God promised his enemy will preach to him. He turns from God and His call on his life and falls into the arms of doubt, fear, anger,and bitterness. He now fully believes he cannot live up to the expectations of his household and so he stops trying. His wife begins to fall apart believing that this man held her family together, without him they cannot function. He is the head of this home, they need him! Four months go by before the wife realizes that it was not this man who held her family together, it was Christ! She holds tight to her faith and teaches her kids about trials and sufferings. She shares stories of redemption and restoration. She preaches unconditional love and the healing hand of God. She prays day and night and asks God to take a hold of her and heal her marriage. God takes her on a journey of suffering, refining, patient endurance, spiritual maturity and Hope. Hope in his Word. In His promise. So she waits. Her home remains more Christ centered than ever before. Her faith is tested and pressed. She continues in love and forgiveness towards her husband. Her family although functioning differently, is still functioning, and in the will of the Father. Her kids see her grow in her faith, they see her struggle and still hold onto Christ. They see her Christ-likeness when she displays God's love, everlasting and always forgiving. They watch her love her husband in all circumstances.  This home, is the example of a broken home by definition.But her home is not broken. It is on hold. The work in her marriage is not complete and her hope lies in the Truth. Her children will grow up and not depart from the ways of the Lord. They will break any chain of generational curses or behaviors with their faith in Jesus Christ. This "broken home", this unfinished work, is the work of the Author and Finisher of our faith. The One Healer God Almighty. This home is not broken! This home is risen with Christ and seated at His right hand in victory! This home is healed! This marriage is healed! This family is anything but broken! Because we believe that He who began a good work in us will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ!!!

1 Cor 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.

So interestingly enough, I have discovered just how real it is that whenever I reach a wide open peak with God, there is always an attacker waiting right underneath me. Just as sure as I am that God is faithful to overcome on my behalf, the enemy is faithful in his attempt to bring me back down to the valley. To fight for my joy, my peace and my faith. The enemy wants me to feel betrayed by God, he wants me to doubt God. He wants me give in and behave like him.

I am on a high mountain top right now with the Lord. Me and Jesus! And I am praising with my arms wide open. I am rejoicing so much so that I cannot stop shouting praises to Him my Faithful!
And my heart and my spirit were shouting praises on the rooftop when SMACK! There it comes! The enemy with his full army behind him attacking me with that doubt card. Doubt about my true intentions, doubt about my position as a single woman, doubt about my ability to maintain my relationships in the midst of a major life changing trial. All of these things came full force at me marinated in with a few lies and some spicy deceit. Deceit about my character none the less! And all this came at me through one fleshly person.
So I stop and see it for what it is. I am not in need of a defense or a plan of attack. I am in need of prayer to make me stronger so that I can stand against the wiles of the devil. So that I can stand boldly in the truth of the situation without a word. Hours turned into days and my mind and conscience are clear. I am quiet, slow to speak and maintain my position until God says to move. Until this morning that is... when something very strong caught a hold of my heart. The Holy Spirit perhaps?  I believe it was.

I went to bed last night reading a tiny pamphlet of a book called Love the Secret to Your Success. Well, I thought, I could use some more advice on love right now in the midst of my attempts to show my husband the Love of Christ. So I began to read and read and suddenly this amazing scripture that I have read a dozen times and heard over the course of my 35 years at every wedding ever attended became alive to me!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails!

Never fails? Never? That means that no matter who we encounter, if we are seeking Christ like love, we need never fail in our love towards that person. We need always protect and keep no record of wrongs! This has impacted me in such a mighty way because I realized that it is not just my family or those I choose to love (you know, the ones who are so easy to love) who I should let love rule over, its is all people in all ways, always! This is Christ centered living. Confessing that we are the love of God. We display this in obedience to show love. To obey love.
So upon awaking this morning, I sat on my couch and did not immediately pray. Instead I thought about this unresolved issue and how I was so free from it and detached from it. But them something stirred around me like an echo in a deep valley, but the echo was not my own  it was that of doubt and pride. Are you sure your detached? Do you really want to forget the things that were done to you? Don't you think you deserve the right to clear your name? Don't you think God would want you to stand up for yourself and fight for whats right? Anger kicked in now, Doesn't it seem a little shady what these people are doing to you. Your intentions were pure so you have every rights to expose the lies and the attacks! By this time I am in a complete disillusioned state of mind, being deceived even if just for a moment into thinking that I deserve some sort of justice! And then I look up from my couch and above my door it reads As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. And that was it..all my thoughts disappeared and the love came to mind instantly. Then conviction set in. I had thought for several days now that I was in the right fully. I had not done anything wrong after all and my motives in the situation in which I was being attacked were pure, God knew it, I knew it and soon I thought, everyone else will know it!

Then His voice, His gentle loving Voice of Truth Did you pray for this person this week? Did you meditate on love and scripture? On 1Cor 13:5 that says Love does not keep record of wrongdoings? Did you display the faith that walking in love requires? Did you come to me with unselfish desires for resolution?


For 4 days my prayers regarding this issue, this conflict were still self seeking! Even in my desire to give this to God, I truly did not see it for what it was. This was a way for me to show the Love of Christ to the world. To my accuser, to those around me who know the situation and to God. For His Glory. I don't need to run into a cave and pray for protection ! Ive got the Spirit of God Himself living inside of me! I am protected!

What I need to do is get on my knees and plead with God to have mercy on my enemies, my accusers. To have long suffering with them so that they may have the time to learn and understand the error of their ways. I should have prayed for peace in their hearts, security in their soul so that they no longer feel inadequate or useless. I should pray that the same Spirit that dwells in me do a mighty work in them! For this is the prayer of the righteous! This is the prayer that God can step into on my behalf and heal. This is believing in love. Walking in love by faith in the Word. Walking in the Spirit . This is agape love. The love of Christ in our deepest quietest moments with Him, unfailing love, in honor and thanksgiving of His unfailing love towards us.

Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

As my son so perfectly put it, I have experienced a sort of "revival" right before my very eyes and I almost didn't allow it to take place.

It is curious to me how the enemy works because we so often allow him to steal our joy but he is so lame and tired in his ways. Why is it that after thousands of years Satan himself has never changed his tactics yet we so quickly forget the battle that lies in front of us is a direct attack from this wicked deceiver? I find myself to be so easily deceived and defeated. But this time, I will give honor praise and glory to my Great Defender for reminding me that I am not fighting against flesh and blood but against  the authorities and  powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places (Eph 6:12). Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness to us who are obedient to Your Word.

For months now I have been on a sort of "hiatus" from my one true calling, my gift from God, a true joy of my life, my ministry. I have been in a refining process so deep and so hot and so thick that I had to pull away from those who I loved and poured my heart into day after day for almost 2 years. It tore me apart to know that I hurt those who may not have understood why I could no longer be there for them. It hurt to think of the bond we created together in Christ, the Love we shared, the comfort and the pain we endured together and that I had pulled away from all of that. To know that my husband too in an even more drastic way, also pulled himself away from those he was so heavily involved with. 

But the peace came from God to know that it was also a time of change for these kids, a time of rebuilding in their church and their surroundings in their youth group. It was a perfect time for these teens to let us go and see that there were others that were also gifted to help them and work closely with them. There were others who they could lean on and trust. It was a good time for them to see that when you get into a situation where your ministry begins to take over your life and replaces your relationship with your family and more importantly God, that it is ok to humble your self and if necessary, back away, step down, or just simply slow down. It is a good example to set for those who have such a passion to serve but may not realize the ramifications of forgetting your first ministry for your church ministry. God gave me grace and peace and he gave me approval over the situation. The mercy came when over time I began to see the kids or spend little amounts of time with them slowly. When I realized that as terrible as I felt, the kids were ok, forgiving and understanding...my kids, my hearts these amazing young soon to be adults were WISE! What a blessing!

So after 7 long months (almost 8) I have realized where I am at in my walk with Christ. Where I was was no where near where I thought I was and where I am now is far better of than any other time in my life with Christ.Oddly enough, my life, my circumstances are the worst they have ever been.  But I am learning to overcome this world and set my sights on Him and Him alone. And what a lesson I have had to learn. But I feel joy and I am ready to step back as a light unto this darkness that surrounds us every day. In fact my son and I were so joyous that we planned to have a group of his friends over to our house for a night of praise and worship! A night to really praise our King and give Him honor and glory for all that he has done in our lives. So we did! We invited adults and teens and guess who had the fire and the spark to spend an entire evening worshiping Jesus? THE TEENS! Of course! The pure at heart, the childlike faith, the ones who truly still cast their cares upon him. My heart, my calling, my ministry is restored, only its better and free-er and more pure and real and open and most importantly more praiseworthy! I don't know where God has me or wants me but I know His calling for my life is to teach young people how to live victorious lives in the resurrected life of their Savior Jesus Christ and in the newness of their resurrected selves through salvation and faith.

Along came the enemy ready for battle. Attacking my character and my motives. But today  I say no to him and yes to the Truth. My work is for the Lord and His will be done in my life. I will not be ashamed of the gospel of Christ, I will not be ashamed that I know my high calling from God and I know my worth in His sight because of His Son Jesus Christ. I will not go another day go by without opening my heart and my home to the broken and bitter and wounded and chained. I will not let the enemy tell me I am not allowed or not good enough or not equipped. I will move forward in faith of Jesus and His will for my life. And I will wait for Him to bring them one by one and I will serve him.

Thank you Jesus for this amazing revival in my heart and the hearts of these youth who stepped into my home broken and heavy and cast their burdens upon one another. I thank you that You can use me to show them humility and perseverance in a time of trial. I thank You Lord for using my weakness to build the faith of these young people who so badly need to know that life is going to always try to bring you down but victory is in the person Jesus Christ and the saving blood that covers all our iniquities. The life we now live on this earth we will live by faith in Him who loves us and gave his life for us. Thank You Jesus that these children can look at me and see that I choose to live in the resurrecting Power of Christ Jesus who has been raised from the dead and is seated at Your right hand Father. I Praise You Lord that we all are already in the heavenly dwelling place with you and that what you have promised us is already complete Father! I choose to live in that and I choose to show not only these kids but all that come into my path, a better way, a way that brings joy and peace in the midst of the broken world and in the midst of our heavy circumstances. Jesus use me to touch the lives of these youth and all youth that I encounter because that is the calling you have given me and I choose to follow YOU! Thank you that I was blessed so heavily to see the beauty in the tear stricken faces on these kids who raised their hands and their hearts up to you Jesus singing praises and glory to YOU Lord. Hour after hour the love and the Worship grew stronger and Your Holy Spirit moved so mightily in the room that we all felt a true revival! A true renewal of our hearts and our minds ! A revival of our Faith in You God. Forever and Always in YOU! Amen!

  

"But Jesus looked at them and said, with man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible," (Matthew 19:26).

I don't really read this scripture very often nor do I use it when speaking life into others. Maybe it's because it is so overused and "played out", maybe the vision of a crowd of "feel good" Christians clapping and singing the song All things are possible comes to mind when I hear this verse. The bottom line is that this is one of the biggest if not most important promises that Jesus makes to us and we so often overlook the message he is trying to send us.
My trust is Jesus in strong, my love for Him is strong but my FAITH, as much as I proclaim to have it, sometimes wavers. I think some things are possible but not the truly impossible things. Yet as I so often hear from my pastors, the word all in the Greek language really does mean all. With God ALL things ARE possible. There will never be a definite impossibility that what we see as hopeless is not possible if we put our faith in Jesus. It is what He wants us to do. Our scheming and working and collaborating to make things just the way we need them to be in order for them to work out our way are a waste of time. These things actually  prove out disbelief and our lack of faith! And how long do these things really give us peace or make us happy? They are certainly not lasting feelings of contentment.

Here is the catch then. The "things" he is referring to in this passage is not the "thing" we are hoping and praying for, it is actually the desire for those things. In other words, he is saying "Even you sinner can overcome your desires for the worldly things and make it into My kingdom! It is possible that even you will overcome your inner cravings and lusts for this world!" He is not saying anything you want is possible with Me, he is saying "If you put your trust in Me, I can help you overcome this world and set your eyes on the things of God. The holy and righteous things of the heavenlies."

My desire as a believer is to overcome the world, yet I fight that desire with my fleshly emotions every day. Can I see myself at a place in this life where the things of this world do not tempt me? Can I see myself in this world not wanting as the world wants? Can I see myself being content with His promise and nothing else? Actually, no I can't. Do I want that more than anything else though? YES! And that is why I know that I will achieve that! Because it is possible with God! It is possible that my spiritual desires will be met! Even me, the ugly self righteous fleshly, world loving sinner. Because in His eyes I am beauty. My desire to please Him supersedes any desire of this world (1John 4:4). The power of Him who is IN ME, is strong enough to overcome the power that I fight in my flesh! Only when I believe that and trust that and lay my faith upon that will I have victory and everlasting happiness. It is then that our circumstances will NOT affect our behaviors and our will. Because we will have overcome!

The enemy can attack me, my family, my marriage, my home, my life, my loved ones, my church, but HE CANNOT reach the highest of high places the holy of holies. The place where joy is everlasting and peace is unshaken. He can only reach the temporary, the things of this world that will burn away and leave us empty once again.

IT IS ONLY THAT WHICH GOD PROMISES US THAT THE IMPOSSIBLE BECOMES POSSIBLE.

That is how we achieve inner joy, because NO ONE and NOTHING can shake our FAITH IN HIM!

I pray that today for all those who have a desire to achieve the "impossible", that which is never ending and brings a lasting inner peace. A peace which we see as  impossible but with HIM is very possible!  A peace which surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7) only through Christ Jesus!

WAITING

I'M ON MY KNEES
THIS PAIN IS TAKING OVER ME

I CANT SEE TOMORROW
I CANT SEE MY WAY
I CAN ONLY SEE YOU LORD
I NEED HIM TO STAY!
JESUS YOU ARE MY SHIELD,
YOU LIGHT MY PATH
YOU ARE MY VOICE
AT THE ENEMY'S WRATH
JESUS HEAL THIS BROKENNESS INSIDE OF ME
THIS EMPTINESS THAT BURIES ME.
I AM SUFFOCATING, I AM DROWNING!
I CAN'T FEEL YOU, I CAN'T FIND YOU!
JESUS LIFT ME UP, GIVE ME AIR
GIVE ME HOPE IN THIS DESPAIR!
I AM FALLING INTO PIECES
I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
LIFT ME UP LORD! CARRY MY PAIN!
LIFT ME UP! MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN!
ALL ALONG IT WAS YOU GOD!
ALL ALONG YOU WERE THERE!
JUST WAITING FOR ME LORD
MY PAIN YOU CAN BEAR!
I'M DYING
I'M CRYING
I'M FADING
I'M WAITING...

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. John 10:27

His sheep hear his voice...and sometimes His voice is painfully difficult to listen to. As I sit here and read my previous post I know that this is a calling that I must obey.

God is right, I hear Him. I hear him so clearly that I have decided to say "No" to Him. I am suffering. I am being put through a scornful painful fire right now and I know very well the cost of following Him. I am scared.
God I know you are taking me to the next level in our relationship and I am trying to hold onto you but I am so scared. I don't want to go where you are taking me. I know You Lord and I know what You have asked of me. I heard Your call on my life and I knew it was going to be painful but I never thought it would be this. It is not for lack of trust in you Father that I have turned back, it is because I do trust you that I have turned back. Because I know God that it is going to be just You and me for a while and I am so afraid that I will fail you. I am afraid that giving up my fleshly love will be too painful. I know that You will be there with me but I also know that Your Word is clear about what it takes to follow You. I know I will suffer. All the ones you called yours, suffered. I know that if I take your hand and step up to where you are pulling me that I am taking one more step away from this world. I know after this you will have something even more painful to follow. I know where we are going Jesus, we are going to the cross and I am afraid for my life. It is so hard for everyone around me to see what is going on between us God. That I do believe in you and that is why I am so deathly afraid to go where you go. Because this is real.
Lord you have always been so gentle with me. You have so lovingly removed one idol after another out of my life and although it hurt, I let it go for you. And with every step higher, the request has gotten bigger, and more difficult. And now, are you really taking me up that mountain that Abraham walked? Are you asking me to give up this love that I cling to so desperately? What will be next Father? Where will we go if I decide to give this up to you? I don't know how much further I can go. Cant you see that I am scared! Does not anyone see that it is fear of knowing EXACTLY where my obedience will take me.
You know God that I expected you to protect me from this. I waited for you and I counted on you. I begged you Jesus! I begged for anything but this. And you sit there and you wait.
I cant stand it! Why do you wait for me when I just want to run away. I want to say "No thank you" I love you God but I don't have to be this. Can I not just be a casual Christian? Why must I go so far with you? And why do I know that this is only the beginning? My pain is not over. It has not even begun. My suffering will never end, not in this life. I must embrace all that you give to me and it hurts because I cannot chose "No".

Lord you and I have an amazing relationship. You know I call out to you always. You know I always seek Your face. I am always asking you to lead me to the cross so that I can meet you there. And you have done that. You have answered my request to find you. Now I must answer Yours to follow You. Please be gentle with me God, I am weak. I am scared. I am lonely. I need you. I need you now more than I ever needed you. Manifest yourself to me my God. Help me carry my cross, make my burden light. Promise me love....I repent....I am sorry....I am here...I love you my Jesus my God. And I know you love me more... so I give you my hand...take me...I am ready.