God is right, I hear Him. I hear him so clearly that I have decided to say "No" to Him. I am suffering. I am being put through a scornful painful fire right now and I know very well the cost of following Him. I am scared.
God I know you are taking me to the next level in our relationship and I am trying to hold onto you but I am so scared. I don't want to go where you are taking me. I know You Lord and I know what You have asked of me. I heard Your call on my life and I knew it was going to be painful but I never thought it would be this. It is not for lack of trust in you Father that I have turned back, it is because I do trust you that I have turned back. Because I know God that it is going to be just You and me for a while and I am so afraid that I will fail you. I am afraid that giving up my fleshly love will be too painful. I know that You will be there with me but I also know that Your Word is clear about what it takes to follow You. I know I will suffer. All the ones you called yours, suffered. I know that if I take your hand and step up to where you are pulling me that I am taking one more step away from this world. I know after this you will have something even more painful to follow. I know where we are going Jesus, we are going to the cross and I am afraid for my life. It is so hard for everyone around me to see what is going on between us God. That I do believe in you and that is why I am so deathly afraid to go where you go. Because this is real.
Lord you have always been so gentle with me. You have so lovingly removed one idol after another out of my life and although it hurt, I let it go for you. And with every step higher, the request has gotten bigger, and more difficult. And now, are you really taking me up that mountain that Abraham walked? Are you asking me to give up this love that I cling to so desperately? What will be next Father? Where will we go if I decide to give this up to you? I don't know how much further I can go. Cant you see that I am scared! Does not anyone see that it is fear of knowing EXACTLY where my obedience will take me.
You know God that I expected you to protect me from this. I waited for you and I counted on you. I begged you Jesus! I begged for anything but this. And you sit there and you wait.
I cant stand it! Why do you wait for me when I just want to run away. I want to say "No thank you" I love you God but I don't have to be this. Can I not just be a casual Christian? Why must I go so far with you? And why do I know that this is only the beginning? My pain is not over. It has not even begun. My suffering will never end, not in this life. I must embrace all that you give to me and it hurts because I cannot chose "No".
Lord you and I have an amazing relationship. You know I call out to you always. You know I always seek Your face. I am always asking you to lead me to the cross so that I can meet you there. And you have done that. You have answered my request to find you. Now I must answer Yours to follow You. Please be gentle with me God, I am weak. I am scared. I am lonely. I need you. I need you now more than I ever needed you. Manifest yourself to me my God. Help me carry my cross, make my burden light. Promise me love....I repent....I am sorry....I am here...I love you my Jesus my God. And I know you love me more... so I give you my hand...take me...I am ready.
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