My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. John 10:27

His sheep hear his voice...and sometimes His voice is painfully difficult to listen to. As I sit here and read my previous post I know that this is a calling that I must obey.

God is right, I hear Him. I hear him so clearly that I have decided to say "No" to Him. I am suffering. I am being put through a scornful painful fire right now and I know very well the cost of following Him. I am scared.
God I know you are taking me to the next level in our relationship and I am trying to hold onto you but I am so scared. I don't want to go where you are taking me. I know You Lord and I know what You have asked of me. I heard Your call on my life and I knew it was going to be painful but I never thought it would be this. It is not for lack of trust in you Father that I have turned back, it is because I do trust you that I have turned back. Because I know God that it is going to be just You and me for a while and I am so afraid that I will fail you. I am afraid that giving up my fleshly love will be too painful. I know that You will be there with me but I also know that Your Word is clear about what it takes to follow You. I know I will suffer. All the ones you called yours, suffered. I know that if I take your hand and step up to where you are pulling me that I am taking one more step away from this world. I know after this you will have something even more painful to follow. I know where we are going Jesus, we are going to the cross and I am afraid for my life. It is so hard for everyone around me to see what is going on between us God. That I do believe in you and that is why I am so deathly afraid to go where you go. Because this is real.
Lord you have always been so gentle with me. You have so lovingly removed one idol after another out of my life and although it hurt, I let it go for you. And with every step higher, the request has gotten bigger, and more difficult. And now, are you really taking me up that mountain that Abraham walked? Are you asking me to give up this love that I cling to so desperately? What will be next Father? Where will we go if I decide to give this up to you? I don't know how much further I can go. Cant you see that I am scared! Does not anyone see that it is fear of knowing EXACTLY where my obedience will take me.
You know God that I expected you to protect me from this. I waited for you and I counted on you. I begged you Jesus! I begged for anything but this. And you sit there and you wait.
I cant stand it! Why do you wait for me when I just want to run away. I want to say "No thank you" I love you God but I don't have to be this. Can I not just be a casual Christian? Why must I go so far with you? And why do I know that this is only the beginning? My pain is not over. It has not even begun. My suffering will never end, not in this life. I must embrace all that you give to me and it hurts because I cannot chose "No".

Lord you and I have an amazing relationship. You know I call out to you always. You know I always seek Your face. I am always asking you to lead me to the cross so that I can meet you there. And you have done that. You have answered my request to find you. Now I must answer Yours to follow You. Please be gentle with me God, I am weak. I am scared. I am lonely. I need you. I need you now more than I ever needed you. Manifest yourself to me my God. Help me carry my cross, make my burden light. Promise me love....I repent....I am sorry....I am here...I love you my Jesus my God. And I know you love me more... so I give you my hand...take me...I am ready.

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver. I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For My own sake I do this."Isaiah 48:10

A goldsmith begins with gold ore that is a mixture of pure gold and dross. By repeatedly putting the ore into fire, the dross is gradually burned off and the gold is slowly purified. He continues to turn up the heat until all the dross is cleared and he can see his reflection in the gold. God is like the goldsmith. He turns up the heat in our lives and continues to refine our faith so that the character of Jesus is reflected in us. In this fire God reveals the dross in our faith in Him. He shows us what is getting in the way of seeing His reflection in us. Once the dross is burned away, our faith in Him alone becomes stronger. God is refining us! And yes this "fire" is suffering. Its suffering deeply and painfully. An emotional suffering, a physical suffering. God does not limit our suffering however He does promise that He will not give us more that we can bear.

As I begin this journey into discipleship, I begin to understand what it means to "count the cost" because the cost is there and it is big. If you desire to be Christlike you may want to consider what this will entail in your life. It will require a complete 100% dependence on CHRIST and CHRIST alone. And if you think you are already 100% dependent on Him, you are wrong. You are not. And He will show you that. He will honor our request to be like Him and put you through the fire. He will test everything that means everything to you against what HE means to you. He will ask you to choose. He will make you feel so alone that only HE can fill your pain. He will bring you to a dark and lonely place and wait for you to call on Him. And if you don't call on Him, he will keep you there until you do.In Luke 14 Jesus clearly tells us what it takes to follow Him. And the cost is big. Anything that is close to our heart will be tested. The cost of discipleship is giving up ALL THINGS. The cost of discipleship is painfully letting go of worldly security and comfort. The cost of discipleship is letting go of anything that ministers to this world. The cost of discipleship will rock your world. It will pierce your heart and test your faith in a way that you cry out in sheer agony for Christ to rescue you. The cost for Jesus was His Cross and the cost for us will be our cross.

This "fire" is the fire that James say "Count all in Joy". This fire will refine us and make us like Jesus. Through our sufferings, God has promised something wonderful. And in our sufferings, HE IS THERE. He was there for me. He was there to meet me in my dark and painful cave when I called on His name. He was there to hold me and comfort me when I felt no one else was. He was there to whisper to me "Do not be afraid, for I am with you, Do not be dismayed, for I am your God and I will strengthen you!" (Is 41) He was there to say "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb 13) And I know His promise now. I know His desire to purify my heart. I know that when I pray for Him to make me his disciple I am asking Him to take a hold of my life and do with it what He wills. I have counted the cost and the cost is great but the reward is greater. 

I suffer for Holiness and I rejoice ! I rejoice that it is here that I find Him! It is here in my suffering that my GOD has manifested Himself to me. I count it all joy when I enter into a trial that I will see HIM standing in the midst of it with His arms open standing on His promise. My faith is put through the fire and it comes out refined.  I rejoice ! 

Jesus you are taking me on a dark and unfamiliar journey but I hold tight to YOU Lord. I cannot see in front of me and I appear to be alone but I know you are here with me. I stand before you today God firm in my faith and assured in your promise that I am in Your hands and no one can take me away from You. I know I must suffer for your Namesake and I know You are not ready to take away my pain. I ask you Lord to cover me and allow me to take refuge in your promise God. I am ready to move forward and take up my cross. I am ready Jesus to be your disciple.

In Your Holy and Mighty Name I give you My Life~

Amen